She and I are more similar than I've ever known, and I'm enjoying the similarities immensely. Until it comes to the negative parts of our personalities. You have to understand, we were brought up in a fiercely loyal and loving family that also took passive aggressive behavior to Olympic levels, thinks failing is worse than death, and cultures setting ourselves up for failure by expecting more from ourselves (and others) than can ever be delivered. We come by it honestly. It isn't our fault that we are this way, but it is our fault that we stay this way.
Me? I graduated college and had no idea what to do with my life, so I went to graduate school. I had already "failed" because I chose a major that my dad thought was weak and "a cop-out", so maybe graduate school would give me direction. Don't get me wrong, I worked HARD and maintained a B+ average in a difficult, accelerated business management masters program, but I was no closer to a life direction than at my first graduation. I shunned the college's career placement program convinced that I could do it all on my own. The economy (and job market) were on a decline... then 9-11 happened.
Flash forward 10 years (I know I'm old, OK?) and I've worked retail and several dead-end, white collar jobs for majorly insane a-holes (I mean Kevin Spacey in Horrible Bosses a-holes) with skills out the yin yang but a horrible resume and a career-killing toddler. I tried a business and I failed miserably. I tried marriage and failed miserably. I live off my parents for rent and have been accused of being no better than a welfare mother (by a therapist that falls in that majorly insane a-hole category). I have failed at every single thing in my life - hopefully other than motherhood; I can't fail at that.
It's when I realized that failure isn't the end of the world that I turned myself around. FAILURE HAS NO BEARING ON WHO I AM OR IF I AM A GOOD PERSON. Period. I have nowhere to go but up, and that's why I will be a success this time because I have already failed miserably and didn't die. A friend recently told me that you can't see God's hands reaching out toward us with the offer of help until we are flat on our backs and looking up. However you look at it, failure is just another way to grow.
I changed to always trying to find the positive in everything. I look back at how much time I wasted waiting for someone else to ensure my happiness and smack my forehead because happiness is a state of mind, not something another person can give you. It isn't easy, but I choose to be happy. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments and even my days when I trip. I have a pity party of one (sometimes more if I can convince anyone else to join me) then I pick myself up by the scruff of my neck and force myself back on path. I'm truly happier than I have ever been, and this is the hardest my life has ever been.
I have way more than people in my position could ever hope to have. Instead of looking at the fact that I don't have a job or a chance at a job or a home or a husband or many friends (depressing, isn't it?), I choose to look at the fact that I have the most amazing son in the world. I have a large family that loves me, no matter what, failure and all. I have a roof over my head that - for now - I don't have to share with anyone but my son. I have talent, a lot of it, and I have the smarts - and now the drive - to turn that talent into a way to stand on my own two feet financially.
Happiness is a state of mind. Rather than looking back and lamenting over things that can't be changed, remember that tomorrow is never guaranteed. You can never get this moment back, so make it one that you will never regret. Tomorrow is yours to change, not yesterday!
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