Seeing Past the Scars on Our Soul

I was recently reading a novel about breakups whose story was a bit on the stupid side but whose message was pretty profound.  It made me think.  Hard.  About why we do what we do during the relationship then feel the way we feel after the breakup.

Now, I will say that I have had a complete thought-process overhaul since my husband and I decided to divorce, but the epiphany I had at one point in this book is worth sharing.

Too often us women feel that we have to change certain behaviors inherent to our personalities in order to please the man that we are dating (or married).  It seems so silly when you see it written in black and white on this screen, but it is something hard programmed into our psyches and something we rarely actually think through.  We just do.

For example, I have a cousin going through a tough breakup that takes me back my own days of heartache.  The "why wasn't I enough?"s and the "what can I change about me to make him love me again?"s and the constant state of denial that the relationship has long-since been over.  I've been there.  Many times.  But here's (finally) what I realized:

Let's say that I was covered from head to toe with scars.  Big ones, little ones, disfiguring ones.  They are scars, so I can't do anything about them.  They are a part of me, but they don't define me.  And... I would never date a man who could only see those scars when he looks at me.  He wouldn't be good enough for me.  Period.

Every bad thing that happened to me has cut my soul.  Some cuts are small like paper cuts and heal without notice.  Others are huge, gaping, disfiguring scars that will be with me forever.  All of them tell a story of how I got to be me.

Now, my cousin pointed out that there's a difference between physical scars and emotional scars, but I disagree.  There's nothing we can do to change these scars.  They are with us whether we like them or not.  We can put Mederma on them, but it will only lessen the signs rather than obliterate it completely.  I feel the scars on our soul are worse because you can't see them at first glance.  You have to truly get to know us in order to see them.

So, why do we accept men that see those scars and won't accept us despite them or - staggering thought - help us to get past them?  They aren't good enough for us, yet we want them anyway because we have convinced ourselves that there is something wrong with us for having those scars!  Do we not think we deserve a man that helps heal those scars?

I now know that I am and won't settle for anything less.  And I hope you won't either!

Moving with a Toddler Sucks

So, I know you think I've dropped off the face of the earth, but I've been experiencing something a bit more terrible.  I've been moving.  With a toddler.  And no help wrangling but from my mother.  Now, my mother is descended from a branch of Super Woman's line, but we are no match for those two itty bitty little hands and two quick as lightning feet.

Three weeks into it, I finally have everything out of the old house (the garage as the only exception) and all of the boxes stacked into my new garage.  Slowly but surely, I am unpacking each box one by one.  "Great," you say?  Me, too!  Except the Toddler Terrorist comes behind me and wrecks it all.  The Tupperware closet that took me 2 hours to arrange?  Destroyed in 30 seconds flat.  The kitchen cabinets that took me 2 days to organize?  Upended in 10 minutes.

Seriously, someone should make a movie out of it.  I can see the tag line now: "If The Blob scared you and War of the Worlds put terror deep in your soul, then you have to watch... The Toddler Terrorist!"  He's fast as quicksilver and just as slippery; he'll distract you with his angelic face and devilish ways; don't turn your back, or you'll regret it!  Scary stuff, huh?

Luckily, I love that kid beyond distraction and his dad will take him for a couple of days soon.  I'll make up the setbacks in no time.  After a solid night's sleep!

17 days until Christmas!

I sit here staring at Frosty the Snowman who - in blazing red lights - is reminding me that I only have 17 days until Christmas.  17 days sounds fine until you break it down into two weeks plus three days.  That's not fine for someone who has a lot of family and an empty wallet.  What to do?

Regift and craft!  That's my plan... yet I haven't gotten off my patootey and started the crafting.  A procrastinator by nature (because I over plan rather than a lazy streak), this means I'll be scrambling as I get closer to the big day.  Luckily, my son is pretty much out of the way.  He is at the age where I can shop in front of him, and he has no clue!  Thank God for small favors.

That leaves the rest of them.  So, I'm going to cut this post short, put on some Christmas music, get the other chores out of the way... and START!  Wish me luck!

Get Up and Go

I'm having an incredibly difficult time getting going today. I went to sleep early enough but got very little sleep. The perfect opportunity wasted by an overacting worry spot in my brain! Now, you need to understand that I worry about everything... money, motherhood, professional vocation, marriage - you name it, I worry about it.

When I told my mom about my blah mood, she reminded me that some days are just like that. The million dollar question comes when pondering how to snap out of it. Usually, two episodes of Project Runway gives me motivational inspiration enough to achieve something, anything. Come on! If these people make clothes out of recycling and party supplies, then I can list my art on Etsy or clean up the rearrange-the-living room mess I made on Wednesday! But, nada. I'm not finding it.

I would pump enough coffee into my system to kill an elephant, but caffeine on an empty stomach makes me grumpy. Since the hubby had an early shift today and gets home earlier than usual, grumpy is not an option!

So, I think a shower is in order to wash the funk off (funk as in mired down not stinky armpits), then one cup of coffee with lunch and some laundry to freshen up the sheets for possibly a better night's sleep tonight. Hopefully, the rest will just follow.