In a Thinkative Mood

I'm in a thinkative mood today.  It's been a couple months since I've written but not for lack of subject matter.  As a matter of fact, I've had so much that I could (and wanted to) write about and have even sat down several times to get it out, but I've struggled with the thought of making such personal experiences public.

I want more than anything to make this blog successful, but do I really want my personal business out there for anyone and everyone to read and judge?  I value my anonymity and our privacy, but I have a lot to say and I'm pretty sure people would find it interesting.  (Full of myself, aren't I?)  More than anything, I'd like to make enough money from writing about ... well, anything... that I can work part time and spend the rest of the time with my son.

Before you think I'm lazy, let me give you some background.  I'm not good with change.  As a matter of fact, there are few things that scare me more than change does.  Variety is great, but change is terrifying.  Why, you ask?  Eight months ago, I was married with a happy, healthy 10-month-old and a mediocre career.  I was working 42+ hours a week, driving 80 miles a day, loving my work but hating my job, and feeling like I was missing all the good stuff in my son's life.  Then my son got hurt at his daycare.  I mean, really hurt.  I missed a lot of work carting him from doctor to doctor, meeting with a specialist and getting interviewed by a social worker.  Why a social worker if he got hurt at daycare?  The hospital called DCF because of the nature of the injury, and - when they are called in - they investigate everyone.

My boss wasn't as understanding as you would think, so he fired me... then tried to deny my unemployment.  Real prince, huh?  Before pregnancy, I never thought I'd be the type of woman that would want to stay home and care for my child, but that's what those cute little hormones did to me.  If every tragedy has a silver lining, this was mine.  I became a stay-at-home mom and loved it.

I could bog you down with the details from the past eight months, but that will be fodder for another post.  I have to get you nice and hooked before I feed you the good stuff, right?

Today, everything is different.  My husband and I are looking at divorce; I'm considering bankruptcy; and I have to go back to work.  Bankruptcy means losing the house we brought our son home to, and downsizing to something more affordable.  My husband and I are lucky enough that I think we will be able to remain friends, but there is a lot of sadness about the split.  We have a lot of love for each other, but we just can't be married.  The pressures were too much, and we realize now that we want different things from life.

Change.  I'm terrified of it, but it's the only constant for me right now.  I have to go to work, but I want to be with my son.  I don't want to miss out on another moment of his life, and I'm terrified of daycare now.  The words "partially amputated fingertips" will do that to a mother.  I love my home, but we need to start the moving-on process.  This isn't just about change, my life is being turned on its ear.

This post may have turned out to be all doom and gloom, but I'm willing to bet there are people out there that can relate.  But can I bank on it?  Hmmm, makes me a bit thinkative.