I've been struggling for the entire history of this blog to determine just how deep I want to go with my posts. Do I keep things on the surface and win you over with my irreverently wicked sense of humor, or do I let my privacy go and bare my soul for the world to read... and judge. I wish I could figure out a way to balance the two and bare my soul without losing my privacy.
Life is hard. Right now, life is super hard. I recently had a conversation with my mom about my parents feeling like their life wasn't theirs to control. The first feeling I had was an overwhelming sense of guilt because I am more than likely a source of that feeling. I've had to rely on them waaaay too much for my liking over the last several months, so I'm wondering if my dependence is removing their freedom.
The second feeling I had was a sense of clarity in realizing that I'm not the only one that feels this way. I've felt for a LONG time that my life was not my own to life; that I'm simply a puppet reacting to the string pulls of some marionette with a wicked sense of humor. Even over the last two years - through the separation and moving and career change and motherhood - as I've tried to take back the power, I have still felt out of control.
Maybe that's the point of life? Maybe everyone feels as out of control as we do. So, the question of the hour is whether or not we try to take back control. Do we fight the good fight and bust our tails making sure life goes how we want it or do we sit back and enjoy the ride? I must say that my Type-A personality doesn't like the idea of sitting back and enjoying the ride, however I'm coming to suspect that we can never win complete control.
I've said a million times that "life happens", so maybe it's time that I suck it up and go with the flow. Maybe it doesn't matter that I am not super thrilled with the direction of my current flow. I have been busting my tail (seriously) for the past year trying to get this new business off the ground. It is growing, but not quickly enough. Maybe that's life telling me to quit fighting.
I've been trying to thumb my nose at the prospective employers out there that won't even consider a single mother of a toddler with a spotty work history. I want to let them know (figuratively speaking, that is) that I don't need their stinking job to prove that I'm a great worker with an outstanding work ethic and so many things to bring to the table. I want to stand financially independent, letting the world know it won't matter if the child support check bounces (again) or if my parents are no longer able to help. I want to get to the place where emergencies are financial hiccups not devastating events.
Maybe that's the point. I'm a fighter, and it took me dropping to rock bottom to realize just how strong an opponent I am. I recently read a pin on Pinterest that said, 'When life knocks you down stand up and say, "you hit like a bitch."' That's become my motto despite wondering if Life is taking it as a personal challenge. Life is hard. Lately, Life has been super hard. .... But I am a fighter and I refuse to lay down and die.
